I’m starting to think the Spanish are one of the most imaginative people ever – at least when it comes to these colourful insults. Swear like a sailor? I think you mean, swear like a Spaniard! Also, it might be pertinent to note that this is strictly a NSFW read but one you’ll seriously enjoy.
Que te folle un pez! – “I hope you get f**ked by a fish!”
Not entirely sure why a fish in particular, but it adds to the hilarity of this phrase. I guess ‘f**k you’ comes nowhere near to expressing Spanish fury – possibly as hot-headed as its bulls. This very graphic mental image will surely come in handy.
Me cago en la leche – “I shit in the milk!”
A mainly exclamatory curse that isn’t usually directed at an object of anger, unless you add in ‘que te han dado’ at the end which means you did the deed in the person’s milk – double the damage! How will you have the peace of mind to consume dairy ever again?
Que te la pique un pollo – “I hope a chicken pecks at your dick!”
Pretty harsh, guys. Everyone knows chickens are relentless. When directed at aforementioned body part, I’d imagine their beaks are the stuff of nightmares. It’s a common insult, weirdly. Next time someone cuts your line, ditch your English curses for this – it won’t get lost in translation!
Eres tan feo que hiciste llorar a una cebolla – “You’re so ugly you made an onion cry.”
Well, we all know onions make you cry but I guess the roles have been reversed! If the onion’s the one doing the crying now, I guess it’s quite a telling description of the recipient of your wrath. Truly a hard-hitting sentiment but one hell of a creative way to call someone ugly.
Tu Puta Madre en Bicicleta – “Your whore mom on a bike!”
It’s anyone’s guess why a bike but it does add to the visual absurdity of this oddly specific jibe. It’s not so much an insult per se, rather a hilariously colourful translation of ‘no f**king way!’ – instead of this, now you’re equipped to express your vehement disagreement in a Spanish fashion.
Vete a freír espárragos – “Go fry asparagus!”
Not too bad a deal to ask someone to go fry some asparagus, it seems, except it’s actually a cleaner, ludicrous way of ‘go f**k yourself’. What did asparagus ever do to the Spanish though?